By Sam Bail, Founder of Third Place Bar
It’s safe to say that navigating the dating world can be challenging these days. Dating apps provide an overwhelming number of options, and our busy work and social lives make it hard to find time to even plan dates. On top of that, dating comes with an extra hurdle if you’re someone who chooses not to drink (or is trying to cut back): many first dates revolve around grabbing drinks, in-person dating events are usually held at bars, and we all know that a little “liquid courage” can make meeting a complete stranger feel less awkward. The “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara even wrote an entire book about sober dating and relationships.
Since drinking alcohol is considered normal for adults, learning that someone doesn’t drink may raise questions like, “Why aren’t they drinking? Do they have any issues with alcohol or other substances? Are they at risk of relapsing? Are they not able to have fun or let loose? Are they judging me for my own drinking?”
Sober on the apps
On the other hand, as being “sober curious” or abstaining from alcohol becomes more widespread, a lot of people are open to dating someone who is a mindful drinker, or doesn’t drink at all. And, of course, those who don’t drink may be explicitly looking for someone who shares their perspective on alcohol.
Dating apps are catching up. Most mainstream apps, such as Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, and OKCupid, now allow users to specify how much they drink or use other substances. However, filtering potential matches by these preferences is often locked behind a premium subscription.
Given the difficulty of finding like-minded people on regular dating apps, several entrepreneurs have taken on the challenge of building dating apps specifically for those who live a sober or sober-curious lifestyle. Loosid Dating has been around for several years, while Club Pillar recently launched and Dry Baby is promoting their app pre-release. In addition to the classic dating app, Club Pillar also aims to build an IRL community in their current hubs NYC and LA, bringing people together through curated events.
While this sounds exciting, I am not entirely convinced that there is a broad enough user base to make sober dating apps worthwhile. I spent several weeks using a free trial of both apps and quickly exhausted the number of potential matches. One of the apps showed me fewer than ten users over the course of a month. Several of them were based in cities other than NYC. Some were 15 years younger than the age range I had set. What would attract someone to using a sober dating app with a small user base when they could simply pay for a premium subscription on a mainstream app?
IRL AF
One significant trend we’ve seen over the past year is the rise of IRL dating events—meeting people in real life versus “on the apps.” It’s clear that many people are tired of endless swiping, texting back and forth, and going on dates without really knowing who they’re going to meet. NYC in particular has seen a rapid growth of dating events in various formats, including singles mixers (often with an open bar), structured speed dating, algorithmic matching, and more intense events that use psychological methods like “somatic awareness” to foster connection. Until recently, all of these had one thing in common: alcohol.
While alcohol isn’t inherently a problem, it doesn’t always help form an authentic connection. It can also create a less comfortable—or even unsafe—environment for some guests. As the host of a successful dating event series told me, “People don’t usually drink a lot at our events, but every once in a while, there’s that one person who’s had too much and becomes a problem.”
In the past few months, several dating event series have begun experimenting with an alcohol-free model. I recently collaborated with Met Through Friends and relationship expert Catherine Drysdale to host two successful sober-curious singles mixers. Meanwhile, The Feels recently sold out an entirely alcohol-free event, which may prompt them to embrace an alcohol-free environment for all their events going forward. And, curiously, run clubs have recently become the new “dating hot spots” in NYC. That said, most of these runs often end at—you guessed it—a bar to socialize.
The future of alcohol-free dating
I believe the trends we’re seeing in both the app-based and IRL dating spaces are just the tip of the iceberg. More people are identifying as sober curious, celebrities are openly celebrating sober anniversaries, and bars and restaurants are offering excellent zero-proof options. We’re clearly shifting away from considering alcohol a social necessity and moving towards more intentional, alcohol-free experiences. Dating is no exception.
Parts of this article have been published in a previous post on the author’s blog.
About the author
Sam Bail is Founder of Third Place Bar, a series of alcohol-free social events in New York City. Learn more about Third Place Bar and upcoming events here.
